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Summer Banks is a former pediatric medical assistant, avid writer and mother of four children.
Summer Banks
Dealing With Anger When Friends Conceive
Fri, 05/10/2013 By Summer Banks
You have been trying to conceive for what feels like forever. You want to have a child and you’ve followed every suggestion your fertility specialist has offered. You are about to jump into fertility drugs and assisted reproduction when you learn a friend – who wasn’t planning on getting pregnant just yet – has conceived. How do you look her in the eye without feeling angry that she was able to achieve something you’ve always wanted without even trying?Just Remember – You Are Not Alone
These feelings of anger are common – more common than you may think. There are literally thousands of forum posts describing this exact situation. Some women take the higher road and pretend to be happy for their friends and others can’t overcome the feelings of anger and lose lifelong friendships over difficulty trying to conceive. There are a few things to remember every time you start feeling those pangs of anger.
She is Not the Reason You Can’t Conceive: Just because your friend was able to conceive without help, she is not the reason for your trouble conceiving. There is a small minority of women who experience prolonged inability to conceive. Many women seek fertility help and that help is successful within a few years. Other women are never able to conceive and never learn why their bodies simply won’t support a pregnancy.
It is Normal to Feel Pain, but You Can’t Let it Overcome You: Pain and anger are normal responses to this situation. Anyone who has tried to accomplish something for a long time without success feels burdened by the idea that they can’t be successful. These feelings are not just reserved for women trying to conceive, but how you react to these feelings will shape the course of your life. Allowing the anger to take over can cause irreparable damage to relationships. Be honest about your feelings and ask your friend to give you a little time to come to terms with the feelings you’re having.
I remember the first month after the doctor told me I was unable to conceive without medical help. I hated every woman I saw with a small child. I even confronted one woman in a craft store for allowing her infant to cry uncontrollably. Anger is a common feeling when you have been trying so hard to conceive only to find out a friend managed to get pregnant in record time without really trying. But allowing that anger to take control of your life is not going to move you any closer to pregnancy.
comments (0)Answering the Tough Questions as a Parent
Thu, 05/09/2013 By Summer Banks
From conception to pregnancy and childbirth to child rearing, you probably think you've heard and seen everything. Until your child drops one of those common but tough questions. I've always welcoming the tough questions my children pose because it means I've raised kids who want to know more than society offers answers to.Be Prepared
This is the best piece of advice I can give any new parent. Think about the hardest questions you believe you will have to answer as a parent and learn the most educated answer.
The one topic that comes to mind is sex. From Hollywood to home, sex questions from kids are awkward, but they don't have to be. Answer those sex questions and other difficult topics with real, researched information and you'll do fine.
Ask for Help if You Don't Know an Answer
When my youngest daughter started asking questions about food allergies just after her twin was prescribed Epi-pens for a peanut allergy, I didn't know how to answer her questions. I told her to write the questions down and at her brother's next appointment she asked the allergist. She felt empowered and I learned something new too.
Take the Team Approach When Necessary
For topics that are just too hard to handle on your own, team up with your partner or spouse to tackle the toughest topics. When you feel the need to walk away for a moment, hand the discussion over to your partner and he can do the same when you return.
Parenting is not all kisses, cries, love and hugs. There are tough times ahead with arguments, disappointment, struggle and some pretty tough questions. I constantly remind my children to ask every question they have as soon as possible or write it down for later. As prepared as I have been my children still managed to surprise me a few times over the years and that's exactly what every parent should expect.
comments (0)5 OTC Pain Medications Pregnant Women Should Avoid
Wed, 05/08/2013 By Summer Banks
You may think you are heading to the store to buy a simple, over-the-counter (OTC) pain killer, but you could be putting your unborn baby at risk of fetal complications. Just because a medication is available to purchase without a prescription does not mean it is always safe for use during pregnancy.
Advil: Advil is a non-steroid anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID). This NSAID falls into category C for the first 30 weeks of pregnancy, but the last 10 weeks the drug is moved to pregnancy category D.
Advil Migraine: Advil Migraine contains Advil and thus it is also placed on the do not use list for pregnant women.
Aleve: Aleve is another NSAID that pregnant women should avoid. There is at least one report of a newborn death associated with naproxen, the generic name for Aleve. The naproxen is thought to have inhibited fetal prostaglandin synthesis resulting in pulmonary hypertension that led to death.
Excedrin Migraine: Excedrin Migraine is a combination medication that contains acetaminophen, aspirin and caffeine. Acetaminophen is generally considered safe during pregnancy, but aspirin falls into pregnancy category D in the third trimester and caffeine intake should be reduced during pregnancy based on several clinical studies.
Motrin Migraine Pain: Motrin Migraine Pain contains an NSAID (like Advil and Aleve) which accounts for the contraindication in pregnancy. While we could not find any indication that Motrin Migraine Pain contained caffeine, most OTC migraine medications are combination drugs that contain caffeine.
Before using any OTC medication for the treatment of pain during pregnancy, ask your doctor for an approved list of OTC pain medications. While these OTC drugs may be part of your pain management routine, during pregnancy you should choose a safer alternative. If pain is persistent and or approved OTC medications do not relieve pain, talk to your physician.
comments (0)Answers to Not so Common Pregnancy Questions
Tue, 05/07/2013 By Summer Banks
I’m constantly reading online pregnancy forums and Q&A websites looking for
unanswered pregnancy questions. Recently, I noticed a huge influx of interesting questions I’d never come across before. There are no silly questions in regards to pregnancy, but these questions certainly fall on the side of unique. I have everything I need for baby can I still have a baby shower?
There is no steadfast rule about having a baby shower when you have everything. Celebrities and socialites with generations of money in the bank have baby showers, so the simple answer is yes – you can have a baby shower even if you have everything you need for baby. Try planning a diaper party or a mom’s shower in place of the traditional baby shower.
Can I drink Fresca during pregnancy?
Fresca is a brand name soda from the makers of Coca-Cola. The soda is calorie-free, but it does contain artificial sweeteners. If you are trying to avoid artificial ingredients during your pregnancy, you should skip Fresca. There are no pregnancy or fetal complications directly associated with Fresca. The two artificial sweeteners used in the soda – aspartame and Acesulfame potassium are considered safe for consumption during pregnancy.
Can women go straight into active labor?
There are four stages of labor, but the most commonly recognized are active labor and delivery. The cervix starts to thin well before any active stages of labor with most women dilating up to three centimeters before any physical signs of labor start. In terms of contractions and pain, some women experience active contractions and fast labor that lasts only a few hours while other women experience more than 24 hours of labor.
Can the Implanon implant cause pregnancy?
Implanon is a birth control implant. Having the implant inserted will not cause pregnancy.
Is the pull and pray method an effective form of birth control?
The pull and pray method of birth control is also referred to as the withdrawal method. Most sex education classes deem this method as ineffective, but science may not support that claim. Based on a study published in 2009 in the journal Contraception, the effectiveness of the withdrawal method is on par with that experienced with condom use. The study author received a large number of negative comments after the report was published due to controversy over using this method as birth control. The pull and pray method will not safely protect against sexually transmitted disease or sexually transmitted infection.
Source: Rachel K. Jones, Julie Fennell, Jenny A. Higgins, Kelly Blanchard. Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal. Contraception 79 (2009) 407–410.
comments (0)The Effect of Advanced Parental Age on Parenting
Mon, 05/06/2013 By Summer Banks
When I was in school, nearly all of my peers had parents that were generally the same age. I remember one classmate who did not fall into that group. Her father was in his late 60s when she was a senior in high school. He would attend school events taking pictures of his daughter, but I remember how many of my classmates would ask if he was her grandfather. She took the questions in stride and answered simply, “No, that’s my dad.” It wasn’t until much later in life when my peers chose to wait to have children that I first started considering the potential long-term effects of waiting to have children.The Age Gap is Bigger than You May Think
I have a 16 year old daughter and one of my close high school friends just announced he would be having his third child. Another of my high school friends just announced the birth of his first child. From my standpoint the years of having children are over. My last children were born nearly 10 years ago, yet many of my classmates are just now choosing to have a first, second or third child.
When you take age into consideration, my first child will be about 22 when these children start school. She will be 34 when they graduate high school. Theoretically, I could have grandchildren in elementary school with the children of my peers. I undoubtedly support couples having children at any age they see fit, but I can’t help but think about the impact of advanced parental age on future generations.
Will Grandparents Soon Be Considered a Novelty?
Using pure mathematics and current changes in parental age, there could be an entire generation of children out there who never have the chance to get to know their grandparents. Waiting to have children until you are nearly 40 could mean your children follow in those same footsteps. Assuming children wait until they are 40 to start a family, grandparents could be nearly 80 when grandchildren are born, leaving very little time to play an important role in the child’s life.
I was lucky enough to spend more than 25 years with my grandfather by my side. He was there for the birth of two of my children and I have pictures of them running around his house. My grandfather was my world when I was a teenager, but will our future generations have the pleasure of spending most of their lives knowing their grandparents or will grandparents eventually become a novelty like my classmate’s older dad?
comments (0)Asking Intimate Questions about Infertility
Fri, 05/03/2013 By Summer Banks
If you are facing difficulty trying to conceive there is a good chance you have an obstetrician, fertility specialist, or both working to improve your pregnancy odds. You are not the first patient for these doctors, but this could be your first time struggling with infertility. There are times when doctors lose sight of the emotional and even intimate side of health care, making it difficult for patients to seek answers to intimate questions they may have over the course of treatment. Where does a woman turn when she’s too embarrassed or too scared to ask the most intimate questions of her health care providers?Stepping Back and Looking at the Big Picture
If you were to step back from the situation and look at the hundreds or thousands of patients your care providers have helped in the history of their practice, you may realize that the questions you think are extremely intimate are questions your doctors have heard before. Often, as humans, we have trouble considering the idea that other people suffer some of the same hiccups in life we suffer, especially when it comes to intimate issues, but with billions of people in the world there is bound to be at least a few other people with whom you share a common intimate issue.
Tackling the Intimate Question Conversation
The best way to get answers to your most intimate questions regarding infertility is to take a deep breath and ask the question. That moment may feel like it takes a lifetime to pass, but most patients are instantly put at ease when the doctor doesn’t bat an eye. Obstetricians and fertility specialists deal in a very intimate line of work – sex and other intimacy issues are just part of the job description.
Personal boundaries are often to blame for that wall we build between our questions and our doctors. Once we allow that wall to come down, if even for a moment, to ask an intimate question the resulting response often leads to a stream of questions and a stronger bond between doctor and patient.
comments (0)Do All Women Enjoy Pregnancy?
Thu, 05/02/2013 By Summer Banks
I blame Hollywood for convincing me that pregnancy was going to be nothing but rosy cheeks, smiles and tummy rubs from strangers. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I never expected to hate being pregnant. After the first pregnancy I thought things would change, but I hated the two pregnancies that followed as well. There was nothing beautiful, special or exceptionally amazing about being pregnant – I just stuck it out for the end prize – being a mom.
Why is Pregnancy So Difficult for Some Women?
Young girls are often too little to remember mom being pregnant, so Hollywood is the main representation we have for how pregnancy will look and feel. I remember being a kid watching movies thinking that every woman started labor in a restaurant or during a dinner party. Take a moment to think about the movies you’ve watched with pregnant women going into labor. The majority of those women were with friends in some intimate setting – right?
The reality of pregnancy is that labor doesn’t necessarily start with your water breaking in some public place or with a group of friends around waiting to rush you to the hospital. And, for some women like me, labor never starts at all. There is no dinner party or night out at the restaurant when you’re 40 weeks pregnant; Hollywood lied.
My pregnancy was extremely difficult because I’m short and my singlets weighed nearly 11 pounds and my twins weighed more than 13 pounds combined. Pregnancy was hard, painful and caused me to go deaf thanks to extreme head congestion on all three occasions. I was bed ridden for the majority of my third pregnancy – so my life did not mirror any pregnancy I’d ever been accustomed to.
Just because your pregnancy is not all dinner and roses doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom or a bad person. I love being a mom and my kids are my everything, but being pregnant was absolutely one nof the worst experiences of my life.
comments (0)Bad Parenting: When Should I Step In?
Wed, 05/01/2013 By Summer Banks
I remember being 18 years old and walking through a craft store with my mother and sister. There was a little baby crying constantly the entire time we were there. Eventually the baby reached a stress level so elevated that he started having trouble breathing. I passed by the mother and saw this tiny infant slouched down in the front of the cart, face redder than any face I have ever seen and I immediately acted. I walked up to the mother and told her to hold her child before I called someone who would take care of the baby. She was immediately infuriated by my approach, but she picked up her son who immediately stopped crying and walked out of the store. I was congratulated by the store manager and multiple patrons, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d overstepped my boundaries. Many years later I realize I would do the same thing all over again.The Best Policy is Follow Your Heart – Within Limits
There are limits to confronting parents about their parenting choices. Just because a parent does not believe in the disciplinary style you believe in does not mean they are putting their children at risk – and that’s what’s truly important – risk. If a child is being placed at risk for injury or harm in any way, there is no question whether or not you should step in and ensure the child is safe.
I remember being on the opposite side of the coin at the park one day. My little one had tripped over her own two feet and fallen on the ground. She was throwing a fit, crying and flailing, but I knew she was angrier about the fall than hurt. Another mother approached my child and picked her up, dusted her off and made a B-line for me. She told me I was a horrible mother for not attending to my child when she needed me – was I the woman in the store?
This is when I came to realize that parenting styles differ and there will be issues between parents from time to time, but I hold true to the idea that bad parenting is something of a community problem. We don’t always have the right to step in with our two-cents, but we always have the responsibility to protect the safety of a child.
comments (0)Is Maternal Instinct Real?
Tue, 04/30/2013 By Summer Banks
The idea of maternal instinct is rooted in animal history. Researchers believe maternal instinct was born because maternity cannot be questioned, but paternity is always up for debate. In the animal world, fathers are more apt to go in hunt of another female to ensure the continuation of his bloodline than sit around tending to a child he cannot prove is his. The mother, on the other hand, is not in question so she is the one who stays behind to care for children. Is this the same animal or basic instinct that drives human maternal instinct, or do humans learn maternal instinct?Human Maternal Instinct – Learned or Driven?
There are experts who believe maternal instinct is not a genetic, basic drive at all, but rather a learned behavior developed during pregnancy and infancy via hormonal changes and close bonding. Brain wave testing suggests some hardwiring is there – mothers tend to react to baby’s cries with activation of the emotional center of the brain whereas fathers react with more logical, thinking areas of the brain- but this reaction may not be associated with that basic animalistic drive at all. The reaction could be rooted in the different means of bonding between the mother/child pairing and father/child pairing.
What Do You Believe?
I know there was a strong need to have children somewhere in my soul from the time I was 16. I knew I wanted to have children. After my first child that feeling remained as it did after my second. When I gave birth to my third/fourth (twins) the feeling was gone. I had no desire to have more children despite the fact that my desire had been so strong after previous pregnancies. Is desire to have children linked to maternal instinct? Do some women have a stronger instinct toward motherhood than others? Researchers believe commitment to motherhood is the driving force of maternal instinct – not basic drive or genetics. What do you believe?
Kids or no Kids: Do All Women Want Children?
Mon, 04/29/2013 By Summer Banks
From the time I was 15, I knew I wanted to be a mother. I had my entire life planned out. I would have five or six children by the time I was 30 and raise them all at the same time. By the time I was 50 I would be preparing for grandparenthood and fixing Sunday dinners for everyone. My sister, on the other hand, never really wanted children at all. She had one child and then stopped having children. She raised her one child and was happy with the life she chose. No two women are alike and not all women want children.
Why do Some Women Choose to Skip Motherhood?
There is no clear answer to this question. Some experts theorize that mother/daughter relationships play an important part in the desire to have children; others theorize testosterone levels in the womb and body play a part in maternal instinct. Theories are all that exist as there is no clear reason why some women choose to have children and others live life without a single desire to procreate.
Childless by Choice
There are a growing number of women who choose to live childless by choice. In the 1970s, about 10% of women chose to skip motherhood, but by the late 2000s that number had grown to 20%. More women are choosing career, travel, education and love over parenthood and these women/couples are happy with that decision.
At the end of the day there are many different kinds of women. There are women like me who always wanted to have lots of children and a huge family and women like my sister who never wanted to have children. Even among women who choose to have children there are variances. The Duggar family, for instance, has 19 children, but I stopped at four. I wanted a huge family and the Duggars wanted a huge family, but we approached that need differently. I felt complete after four and Mrs. Duggar was only limited by age and medical circumstances. Every woman is different.
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