Ok, so Richard had his varicoselectomy and now we are just waiting for the three months to be up so we can actually start trying again.  After four years, I hope he still wants a baby as much as I do. 

Sometimes I worry that he will not pay enough attention to Brandon if we have a child together and I don't want that to happen.  I know that he wouldn't love either of them any less, but he won't be spending as much time with Brandon as he would be with a new baby.  Even though Brandon is not mine, I love him just as if he were and i don't want him to be hurt. 

I felt that he was a little jealous when Melisa had Austin and I want him to want to be around a child of mine. 

But now it's my time. 

I have waited for such a long time and for me to think for so long that it was something I was doing wrong, it's nice to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It is going to break my heart if Richard had to go through this surgery for me and it not help anything. 

I know that it would crush me. 

I don't really know how it would affect him.  He acts like he doesn't want a baby sometimes, but there are other times that he is so excited.  I am saving all my change for the baby bed that I want.  It's a grow with me bed and with all the parts included, it's about 1100 dollars. 

It will absolutely will be worth it, but it will take so long to save for.  Mom and Angie are both so excited.  Mom told Richard she'd be expecting a baby on the way in three months.  We'll see.