Hey babymed and all those who read this! I last left off on the grieving process after the loss  of a pregnancy or miscarriage. Everyone takes a different amount of time to cope with the experience. I lost my baby January 24, 2011 and it has now been three months since then and I'm still finding it hard to deal with everyday life. I keep my emotions about the miscarriage bottled up alot of the time because I don't want to upset my husband. The miscarriage was really hard on him, too. But since i keep my feelings to myself most of the time I haven't been able to fully cope with the miscarriage. And this is why I have turned to you world, in hopes to express and share my feelings and sorrow with you. And to hopefully be able to come to peace with what has happened and move on to the next chapter of my life. When I found out that I was losing my baby I felt like I was dieing. I couldn't breathe, think, move, speak, feel, I couldn't do anything. I cried my eyes out for days, I didn't speak much for weeks, and I haven't been truely happy since then. My family and friends sometimes have a hard time understanding why its been so hard for me to deal with, after all im only 19! I have plenty of time to have a family! It doesn't matter how old or young you are, it doesn't matter how early or far along you are in the pregnancy. The loss of a pregnancy or the experience of a miscarriage is emotionally painful to anyone who experiences it. I often times wish I could explain to them how I feel, I wish I could show them so they could understand, but I can't. I think about it everyday, and as much as I try to ignore the memory, it still seems to  find its way to the front of my thoughts and haunt me! I wish I understood or knew why I had a miscarriage, but I don't and only god does. 

I've been wanting to try to concieve again but I'm nervous and scared. I'm not even sure if I want to have a child because I want to start a family or if its because I want to filly the emptiness inside of me that the miscarriage left behind. And I think my husband has a fear of losing another child, just like I am. So we've decided to wait.... Even though I honestly don't want to wait, I wish to keep trying... Its in gods hands now as are all things in life. This is the first step in my long journey to coping with the loss of our baby.

My Angel Baby I know you are watching over your daddy and I. And I know you know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think or pray for you. I will always miss the first cry, the first kiss, the first hug, the first smile, the first word, the first everything I didn't get have with you! But I know someday I will be with you and be able to hold and kiss you all that I want and we will never have to be parted ever again. Mommy and Daddy love you dearly and wish we could've had more time with you! But I am greatful that you never had to see or experience all the evils of the world, but instead you get to see everlasting beauty, and are surrounded by unconditional love from the father of all of us. You are my little sweet pea and you will always be in our hearts! And I know that will always watch over your mommy and daddy and the siblings that (god willingly) we bring into the world! We love you baby! <3